everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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