You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
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