Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
