when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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