Me too!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize