I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
