Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
