And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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