Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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