Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
