I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
