She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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