My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
