Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
