I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
