So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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