Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
