Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
