nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
