Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
