I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
