Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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