i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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