Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
