1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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