You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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