I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
