also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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