I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
