i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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