I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize