Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
