eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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