3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
