for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize