so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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