He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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