I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize