If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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