I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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