I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
