I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
