I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
