I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Randomize
