I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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