Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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