Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
