i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
