I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
