i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
What a dumb baby whore.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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