I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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