Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
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