Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
