a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
