you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Randomize
