we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just invented taco cereal.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
