YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
