if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
