if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
