I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
