hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
