Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
