I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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