So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
