Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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