Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
