i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
