I'm so fucking centered right now
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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